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speak friend and enter
воскресенье, июля 18, 2004
Hairy Tails according to Grime
Disclaimer: Not for the Literal-minded, Fairy-tale illiterate and the Pro-Copyrightists.
Once upon a time, The Big Bad Wolf, Goldilocks and The Three Bears, while walking through the woods one day, came upon a little reunion of sorts by the Troll Bridge. The Pied Piper, Puss in Boots (pest control rivals), Snow White and Cinderella (having time out from balls, frisbees and other flying objects) were having a small celebration. Rapunzel was present as well. She had faithfully stuck to TallTower[tm] for many years now, but decided she needed a change of Perspective, an otherwise very respectable line of shades. The Three Blind Mice, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina were nearby too, enjoying their mini party under the shade of the mushroom patch. Under an ancient ordinace protecting the disabled, the blind mice were spared by Piper and Puss, and they took their rights very seriously.
They were all celebrating the birthday of the Frog Prince. Presently, they'd just presented him a jar of the very best aged vintage flies. The party was catered courtesy of Dumpty Inc., purveyors of scrambly, creme brulee and french toast, the best in Enchanted Woods, Dark Forest and some say Thousand Acre Woods. Usually potluck sufficed, but this time, the Leprechauns were busy attending the annual CareBear trade show promoting their latest boutique rainbow designs that came with a complimentary pot of gold to go.
Wolf, hungry from the rigorous walk with Goldilocks and The Three Bears, sniffed the air greedily. Suddenly, he coughed, sneezed and straightened up with a pained expression.
"Fee Fai Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an English man!" Said the Big Bad Wolf in dusgust. Nobody liked Wolf for his bad manners, but to be fair, Pied Piper did smell noxious after months without a decent shower; it didn't take a canine nose to realize that. Poor Piper had been busy handling pest problems all summer, and one does pick up a scent from handling one too many rodents.
"Ach, nein, vart Aye am noot Englische," denounced The Pied Piper with a thick Bavarian accent, "I'm von Hamlyn! You haf got ze wrong guy, ja?"
In a providential move (Fairy Godmother?), Mrs Robin Hood AKA Little Red Riding arrived with a picnic basket, diffusing the tension in the air you could cut with a knife.
"Gingerbread, hunny and porridge anyone?"
Goldilocks, the Three Bears and the Big Bad Wolf immediately looked up, licking their chops; It was too good to be true! The Bears were delirious at the mention of hunny, Gingerbread was the Big Bad Wolf's next favouritest food after Little Lamb and Little Pigs, while Goldilocks happened to be some sort of self-claimed porridge connoiseur and bed tester. Rapunzel, having changed Perspective, was determined to explore new fashion tastes.
"Ouch! Too hot!" said Goldilocks after tasting the first bowl of porridge fresh from a thermos, while the rest helped themselves to the rest of the basket.
"Eww, that's too cold. And it tastes kinda fermented to me too. I'm a teetotaler, you know." exclaimed Rapunzel primly, as she tried the second bowl that was in the pot, nine days old, which was exactly when Mrs Hood set off. It had taken quite a while for her to find the party, despite careful travelling instructions from Hansel and Gretel.
Old Hansel and Gretel were of course, the most famous explorers in the wood, having learnt first-rate trekking skills from Jack, whose mother habitually tossed beans around. That gets to you after living too long in a shoe with too many children, not knowing what to do. This was all before Jack and Jill sadly broke their crowns trying to fill some water from Wishing Well. You'd be wishing well too, afterall, if the King's men and horses couldn't put your crown back together again. In the end, they had to enlist the help of the Seven Dwarves and their dental cement to have those crowns fixed.
Just as Rapunzel was about to taste the third bowl, she heard a snarly voice yapping, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" It was Wolf, telling her to chill. Wolf was never approving of manners. Now, Rapunzel was a very prim and proper girl. Her stepped-sisters (spine problems) and Mother Goose brought her up as straight laced as lace could be straight. She could also crochette fairly well, earning her keep by selling knittings to the Shoemaker's Elves. You see, they had a sort of barter economy going on. Her ware was more sought after than Rumpelstilkskin's gold-threaded embroidery at any rate.
"Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!" decried Rapunzel indignantly, now not a pleasant sight at all. She had a 5 o'clock shadow she was pretty proud of.
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and blow YourHouse[tm] in!", referring to her delicate sunday hat.
"No, no, please don't!" chorused the rest of the guests. "You've had too much gingerbread! You need some mints!"
Ignoring their pleas, Wolf huffed and puffed like Thomas the Train. The guests scrambled for cover. As fumes settled, everyone coughed and wheezed, sneezed and cleared their throats, and wiped their bleary, rheumy eyes and runny noses.
"What big eyes you have grandma" observed Snow White, who was unfortunately related to Wolf, by way of Beauty and the Beast, Pinocchio and Little Mermaid. Hers was a complicated family filled with intrigue and confused identities, with lots of nooks and crannies filled with crooks and nannies. Wolf was evidently quite blown by the puffing and huffing.
"All the better to see you with!", Wolf replied wryly. Everyone was terribly upset at Wolf's beligerence and repugnance. The three blind mice took that last remark personally. They decided to sue Wolf for discrimination against the sight-impaired.
Not even Rapunzel's boutique shades can save Wolf now...
Disclaimer: Not for the Literal-minded, Fairy-tale illiterate and the Pro-Copyrightists.
Once upon a time, The Big Bad Wolf, Goldilocks and The Three Bears, while walking through the woods one day, came upon a little reunion of sorts by the Troll Bridge. The Pied Piper, Puss in Boots (pest control rivals), Snow White and Cinderella (having time out from balls, frisbees and other flying objects) were having a small celebration. Rapunzel was present as well. She had faithfully stuck to TallTower[tm] for many years now, but decided she needed a change of Perspective, an otherwise very respectable line of shades. The Three Blind Mice, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina were nearby too, enjoying their mini party under the shade of the mushroom patch. Under an ancient ordinace protecting the disabled, the blind mice were spared by Piper and Puss, and they took their rights very seriously.
They were all celebrating the birthday of the Frog Prince. Presently, they'd just presented him a jar of the very best aged vintage flies. The party was catered courtesy of Dumpty Inc., purveyors of scrambly, creme brulee and french toast, the best in Enchanted Woods, Dark Forest and some say Thousand Acre Woods. Usually potluck sufficed, but this time, the Leprechauns were busy attending the annual CareBear trade show promoting their latest boutique rainbow designs that came with a complimentary pot of gold to go.
Wolf, hungry from the rigorous walk with Goldilocks and The Three Bears, sniffed the air greedily. Suddenly, he coughed, sneezed and straightened up with a pained expression.
"Fee Fai Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an English man!" Said the Big Bad Wolf in dusgust. Nobody liked Wolf for his bad manners, but to be fair, Pied Piper did smell noxious after months without a decent shower; it didn't take a canine nose to realize that. Poor Piper had been busy handling pest problems all summer, and one does pick up a scent from handling one too many rodents.
"Ach, nein, vart Aye am noot Englische," denounced The Pied Piper with a thick Bavarian accent, "I'm von Hamlyn! You haf got ze wrong guy, ja?"
In a providential move (Fairy Godmother?), Mrs Robin Hood AKA Little Red Riding arrived with a picnic basket, diffusing the tension in the air you could cut with a knife.
"Gingerbread, hunny and porridge anyone?"
Goldilocks, the Three Bears and the Big Bad Wolf immediately looked up, licking their chops; It was too good to be true! The Bears were delirious at the mention of hunny, Gingerbread was the Big Bad Wolf's next favouritest food after Little Lamb and Little Pigs, while Goldilocks happened to be some sort of self-claimed porridge connoiseur and bed tester. Rapunzel, having changed Perspective, was determined to explore new fashion tastes.
"Ouch! Too hot!" said Goldilocks after tasting the first bowl of porridge fresh from a thermos, while the rest helped themselves to the rest of the basket.
"Eww, that's too cold. And it tastes kinda fermented to me too. I'm a teetotaler, you know." exclaimed Rapunzel primly, as she tried the second bowl that was in the pot, nine days old, which was exactly when Mrs Hood set off. It had taken quite a while for her to find the party, despite careful travelling instructions from Hansel and Gretel.
Old Hansel and Gretel were of course, the most famous explorers in the wood, having learnt first-rate trekking skills from Jack, whose mother habitually tossed beans around. That gets to you after living too long in a shoe with too many children, not knowing what to do. This was all before Jack and Jill sadly broke their crowns trying to fill some water from Wishing Well. You'd be wishing well too, afterall, if the King's men and horses couldn't put your crown back together again. In the end, they had to enlist the help of the Seven Dwarves and their dental cement to have those crowns fixed.
Just as Rapunzel was about to taste the third bowl, she heard a snarly voice yapping, "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" It was Wolf, telling her to chill. Wolf was never approving of manners. Now, Rapunzel was a very prim and proper girl. Her stepped-sisters (spine problems) and Mother Goose brought her up as straight laced as lace could be straight. She could also crochette fairly well, earning her keep by selling knittings to the Shoemaker's Elves. You see, they had a sort of barter economy going on. Her ware was more sought after than Rumpelstilkskin's gold-threaded embroidery at any rate.
"Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!" decried Rapunzel indignantly, now not a pleasant sight at all. She had a 5 o'clock shadow she was pretty proud of.
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and blow YourHouse[tm] in!", referring to her delicate sunday hat.
"No, no, please don't!" chorused the rest of the guests. "You've had too much gingerbread! You need some mints!"
Ignoring their pleas, Wolf huffed and puffed like Thomas the Train. The guests scrambled for cover. As fumes settled, everyone coughed and wheezed, sneezed and cleared their throats, and wiped their bleary, rheumy eyes and runny noses.
"What big eyes you have grandma" observed Snow White, who was unfortunately related to Wolf, by way of Beauty and the Beast, Pinocchio and Little Mermaid. Hers was a complicated family filled with intrigue and confused identities, with lots of nooks and crannies filled with crooks and nannies. Wolf was evidently quite blown by the puffing and huffing.
"All the better to see you with!", Wolf replied wryly. Everyone was terribly upset at Wolf's beligerence and repugnance. The three blind mice took that last remark personally. They decided to sue Wolf for discrimination against the sight-impaired.
Not even Rapunzel's boutique shades can save Wolf now...
